Before You Say “I Do”

As a Certified Divorce Coach, Gottman‑trained therapist, and attachment‑focused relationship specialist, I work with couples across the full arc—dating, premarital, marriage, repair, and (when needed) divorce. Money is one of the biggest drivers of conflict—but it’s also one of the best places to build trust. When couples align on the meaning of money and put simple structures in place, they dramatically reduce stress and strengthen their bond.

A powerful starting point: learn each other’s money story. That’s the script you inherited about what money means—safety, freedom, control, love, status, survival. When you understand the “why” behind each other’s financial habits, you stop personalizing, start collaborating, and make values‑aligned decisions together.

Schema: The Money Alignment Model—Meaning → Rules → Habits → Review

• Meaning (money stories) → Rules (prenup, thresholds) → Habits (accounts, money dates) → Review (quarterly and life events)

Also revisit after life events: job change, new equity grant, new baby, home purchase, relocation, inheritance, or starting a business.

1) Financial transparency: build a complete picture

• Full financial disclosure: Share income, assets, debts, credit reports, and obligations (alimony/child support). Surprises later create distrust and legal complications.
• Net‑worth statement: Create individual and joint net‑worth snapshots with your financial planner. Revisit annually.
• Cash‑flow clarity: Understand where your money comes from and when. If one partner receives a yearly bonus, stock that vests over time (RSUs), or business distributions that fluctuate, agree now how you’ll use that “irregular” income.
  • Simple rules of thumb:
    • Set your monthly budget on guaranteed salary only.
    • Pre‑decide bonus/RSU allocations (e.g., 30% taxes, 40% long‑term goals, 30% lifestyle).
    • Use a “smoothing” account to hold irregular income and release it to cover the next 3–6 months.
  • Tax posture: Decide filing status, withholdings, and how you’ll manage refunds or liabilities.

Decision prompt: Will we pull credit reports together every January and share updates quarterly?

Red flags: Refusing disclosure; discouraging independent counsel; last‑minute prenup pressure.

2) Prenuptial (or postnuptial) agreements: customize, don’t copy‑paste

A prenup isn’t predicting divorce; it’s agreeing on fairness and clarity.

• Define separate vs. marital property
• Address business ownership, appreciation, sweat equity, and buy‑sell contingencies
• Set expectations for spousal support
• Protect inheritances and family gifts
• Clarify how to handle debts and tax liabilities

Best practices:

• Start 3–6 months before the wedding (if you’re being asked to sign within 30 days, pause and consult independent counsel)
• Each partner has independent counsel
• Include full disclosure and allow for updates
• Coordinate with your financial planner so your investment and estate plan match the prenup

Decision prompt: Which assets stay separate? How will we handle appreciation or sweat equity?

3) Estate and legacy planning: protect each other and future children

• Wills, health care directives, and powers of attorney
• Beneficiaries on retirement accounts, life insurance, and TOD/POD accounts—aligned with the prenup
• Trusts: Revocable living trusts; for blended families or significant assets, consider marital trusts, SLATs, or dynasty trusts
• Digital assets: Document access and ownership

Decision prompt: Who are our executors and health care proxies today—and in our next life chapter?

4) Insurance: transfer risk, reduce anxiety

• Life insurance sized to mortgage, childcare, education, and income replacement
• Disability insurance for income protection
• Long‑term care planning: talk early
• Umbrella liability coverage for added protection

Decision prompt: What coverage keeps our family stable if one of us can’t work for 6–12 months?

5) Business and career considerations: anticipate growth and change

• Operating agreements and buy‑sell provisions should reflect marital status and prenup terms
• Pre‑select a valuation method (e.g., neutral appraiser) to avoid battles later
• Address founder shares, IP, deferred comp
• Confirm your cap table and any transfer restrictions are reflected in your prenup
• Discuss relocation flexibility and how it intersects with future custody

Decision prompt: If one of us must relocate for work, what’s our agreed decision tree?

6) Household governance: clarity prevents conflict

• Spending rules: Set thresholds for joint decisions (e.g., purchases over $X need a “yes” from both)
• Account structure: Many thrive with “Yours, Mine, Ours”
  • Paychecks land in individual accounts
  • Automatic transfers to a joint account for shared expenses
  • Each partner keeps a personal “no‑questions‑asked” amount
• Roles: Who handles bills, renewals, taxes, home maintenance, childcare logistics?
• Financial meetings: A quarterly “money date” to review budget vs. actuals, investments, upcoming expenses, and action items

Sample money date agenda (60 minutes):

• 10 min: Wins and concerns
• 15 min: Budget vs. actuals, upcoming expenses
• 15 min: Portfolio/RSU/bonus updates and tax set‑asides
• 10 min: Adjust goals, reset thresholds if needed
• 10 min: Action items, next check‑in

Relationship science tip: When you’re stuck in “spender vs. saver,” rename it “freedom vs. security.” Then decide what percentage goes to each value.

Decision prompt: What’s our joint spending threshold? What’s our personal monthly discretion budget?

7) Children and family planning: align values and logistics

• Parenting philosophy: education, religion, screens, extended family involvement
• Fertility and family‑building: timelines, costs, legal/ethical considerations for IVF, surrogacy, adoption
• Special needs planning: ABLE accounts, special needs trusts, long‑term supports
• Blended families: Boundaries with ex‑partners; consider parallel‑parenting principles if dynamics are high‑conflict

Decision prompt: What commitments protect our kids’ stability—school continuity, housing, routines?

8) Communication agreements: protect the relationship under stress

• Conflict protocols: Pause and repair rules; written‑first for high‑stakes topics to reduce reactivity
• Boundaries with extended family: What’s private vs. shareable?
• Privacy and safety: Digital and physical norms; how we respond to breaches
• Professional support: Identify your “bench”—financial planner, attorney, therapist, coach

Relationship science tip: If money talks trigger anxiety or shutdown, pause. Switch to written‑first communication, try a 24‑hour cool‑off, then return with one decision to make and three options.

Decision prompt: When a conversation gets hot, what’s our agreed reset ritual?

9) Contingency planning: when life throws a curveball

• Emergency fund: 6–12 months of expenses; clear titling
• Document vault: Secure, shared access (IDs, policies, prenup, estate docs, titles, business agreements)
• Crisis plan: Who do we call first—financial, legal, mental health?
• Relational safety net: What are the signs it’s time for counseling or coaching?

Decision prompt: What specific events trigger us to bring in professional support—so we don’t wait too long?

10) Shared vision: design the life you want together

• 3–5 year plan: career moves, home purchases, children, travel, philanthropy
• Define “enough,” non‑negotiables, and tradeoffs that protect your values
• Annual retreat: Review your agreements and update as life evolves

Decision prompt: What’s our shared definition of a good life—and what are we willing to trade for it?

Katrina Newton is a Licensed Therapist and CDC Certified Divorce Coach serving clients across the U.S., with deep expertise in North and South Carolina courts. With two decades as a trauma specialist and EMDR practitioner, she helps women exit destructive cycles, parallel‑parent effectively with difficult exes, and make clear, values‑aligned decisions during high‑conflict divorces. She also offers accessible, self‑paced courses to bring high‑quality divorce support to more women. Learn more and inquire about limited‑caseload openings at empoweringdivorcecoaching.com.

Katrina Newton can be reached:

Empowering Transitions Divorce Coaching

Call: (980) 243-4937

Email: [email protected] 

Website: empoweringdivorcecoaching.com

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